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Demetri Martin

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Born Friday 25 May 1973

Professions: Actor, Artist, Comedian, Musician, Writer

Nationality: American

Most frequent words in Demetri Martin quotes

Filter author quotes by word: said (8), just (7), fruit (2), time (5), people (4), think (5), one (4), very (3), all (4), get (3)

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'

Words: lot, people, bumper, stickers, mind, sticker, shortcut, little, sign, says, lets, never, hang
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I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

Words: walking, park, guy, waved, said, sorry, thought, someone, else
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I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

Words: think, cool, writing, ransom, note, computer, paper, clip, popped, said, looks, need, help, use, more, forceful, language, get, money
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I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.

Words: saw, transvestite, wearing, said, guess
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I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

Words: think, interesting, cologne, rhymes, alone
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The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

Words: worst, time, heart, attack, game, charades
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My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

Words: plumbing, all, screwed, turns, own, garbage, disposal
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People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.

Words: people, squirrels, very, different, will, argue, find, one, situation, similar, driving, car, kind, hard, tell, apart, especially, human, hairy
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Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.

Words: swimming, confusing, sport, sometimes, fun, other, times, die, sure, one
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I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'

Words: wonder, intelligent, thing, ever, said, started, word, dude, isotopes, removed, kidney, fine, stoked, win, Nobel, prize, just, thank, turtle, all
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If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

Words: move, building, choose, elevator, over, escalator, one, time, riding, tripped, fell, down, stairs, hour, half
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Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

Words: employee, month, good, example, somebody, both, winner, loser, same, time
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There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.

Words: theres, store, neighborhood, called, futon, world, name, makes, think, magical, place, gets, less, comfortable, over, time
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A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Words: lot, people, lollipops, lollipop, hard, candy, plus, garbage, need, handle, just, give
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If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

Words: tell, spoon, ladle, fat
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I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'

Words: noticed, batteries, think, avoid, confusion, cause, know, someone, stuttering, hello, some, kind, hard, foreigners
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I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

Words: wrapped, Christmas, presents, early, year, used, wrong, paper, see, said, happy, birthday, want, waste, just, wrote, Jesus
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Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.

Words: computer, type, laugh, quietly, more, honest
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If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

Words: ever, saw, amputee, getting, hanged, probably, just, start, calling, letters
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I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

Words: went, clothing, store, lady, asked, size, said, actual, scale
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